Bharat Mata complains about lack of privacy after Satyamev Jayate.

New Delhi. Aamir Khan’s first television show, Satyamev Jayate, recently went on air to disparate public reactions – from scathing, cynical to heartwarming. As soon as the show went live, it polarized people in two different camps, causing them to furiously debate over the show’s content and Aamir Khan’s intentions. Some even revived their abandoned blogs to write their views on the show.

But what could be called an astonishing revelation, Bharat Mata (purportedly, the show is based on her) got candid with our reporters, expressing concerns on her lack of privacy. “Yea man, if you ask me, it is a bit irritating. It was as if I didn’t even exist a week back. Now random people recognize me on the street and want to click photographs with me. One dude even asked me for an autograph the other day. Also, strangers pat me on the back now and say they want to change for me. What the hell? You know who needs to change what? I want to change my current job. I am tired of doing that IT shit.”

The reporters spotted Bharat Mata when she was buying vegetables. She was attired in a burqa to avoid getting recognized. Initially, she refused to give any sound-bite, but she agreed on the condition that the interview be carried in her house in utmost secrecy. “It is not as if I have a grouse against Aamir or the makers of the show. Within couple of hours of the show being live, my follower count on twitter increased by 20,000, and my community on Facebook has more than a million followers now. Initially, it felt really nice, as if I had become an overnight celebrity, but then after a day or two, I realized that I am not cut out for this kind of a lifestyle.”

When asked what she thought of the show, she said, “I didn’t get the chance to watch the show. As it is, I am quite tensed about my MBA results. Couple of days back, I got rejected by IIM A, and I still haven’t gotten over that shock. But given, the show is about me, I think I will probably give it a shot.”

But was she hopeful that the show would be a harbinger of change? She said, “See, I have not seen the show, so it would be a little unfair for me to comment. But yes, who doesn’t want to change for the better? For starters, some money would be good. I am bloody tired of driving that Maruti 800,” She said, balancing herself on a rickety plastic chair, “I could do with some extra cash. Just look at the condition of my house, it is in shambles. If everything works out, I will probably move to a nice 2 BHK in South-Ex.”

Rockstar: The wanderlust lost his shoes.

There is an umbilical cord between the audience and screen. Essentially, the entire movie experience is based on it. If the director can make sure the cord doesn’t snap, he has won us over. If one deconstructs the movie watching experience, it crudely boils down to buying and selling. The director is like that obnoxious salesman at the frontdoor standing for around two and a half hour trying to sell us his vision of love, lust, life, death, or anything else he holds dear to him.

Imtiaz Ali is an interesting director because he is one of the few people in Bollywood who has a voice. Almost an entire industry has no idea of a voice, because the majority is obsessed with doling out soporific, mass pleasing candies, or a select few who make interesting movies, but their voices are still unbaked because they are fixated on playing the catching up game with world cinema, Ali’s voice is arrogantly confident in its ignorance, bereft of ornateness. He has often been accused of making similar kind of movies, the journey movies, if you will, but I don’t have a grouse with them. Because Ali’s movies are not so much in the macro as they are in the micro. It is the warmth he suffuses his frame with makes his movies a delight. Even Love Aj Kal which suffered from a horrendous first twenty minutes, and reeked for a brief period, of a director screaming “I want to make it to the big league”, compensated its flaws with sweet nothings of a very pleasant journey.

Rockstar’s trailers promised a different Ali. It promised the angst of an artist, unrequited love, dissatisfaction, and all those things which were very unAli. And the verdict is out. More than the protagonist, Rockstar could be labelled as a director’s attempt to come out of age. A desperate clutch to finally grow up. Does he?

Rockstar’s first half is Ali’s zone, and it shows, because what a brilliant first half it is. Ali’s voice is stamped in each and every frame. Again, nothing here is envelope pushing in terms of structure, craft or even theme wise, but it is bathed in Ali’s voice. The lighter moments in Ali’s movies can never go astray because it seems as if he has himself traversed those gully’s of Delhi. He knows the joke is not in the joke itself, but what transpired before and after. Although an overt sincere Ranbir in the first fifteen minutes was a trifle jarring for me, but Ali soon made sure the character was not uni-dimensional. And I don’t remember the last time I enjoyed so much in a movie’s first half. It is these things Ali does so well that you want him to keep doing the same things, just out of sheer selfishness, because they not only come across as genuine and heartfelt, but in today’s times of critical acceptance, and box office figures, the honesty in his voice is refreshing.

But it did not take long for the umbilical cord to snap after the interval. It seems as if the movie has been made by two Imtiazs. One who has been there, and the other who wants to be there. One who is confidently arrogant in his innocence, and the other who is too eager to impress. There are certain movies which hing on a truth, and it is important the director puts his soul in developing the truth, because if I, as an audience, can’t buy the truth, I would shut the door on salesman. The transition in Ranbir Kapoor’s chaarcter is so sloppily and hurriedly done that it is not believable. There could have been so much pain and longing in thsoe frames without bordering on mawkish, but Ali is too insouciant to notice. He has to hurriedly move on to the other ‘important’ things in the movie. The new Imtiaz has taken over and he is unrelenting. Ali is so obsessed with his new side that he arrogantly brushes aside all threads that could have made it a coherent narrative. And this arrogance is not good. I am not buying it. In one of the scenes, Jordan says he hasn’t been in touch with Heer for two years. The way frames had been slapped prior to the scene, it seemed as if couple of weeks had passed. Ali’s obsession to maintain a pace robs the scene of its significance. The umbilical cord has been snapped and I am already looking for a different mother.

The movie goes off tangent soon after the second half, and I squirm in my seat as I see a new unsure Ali unfolding in front of me. The one who is pointing finger at his protagonist and screaming at me to understand how wronged he is. Sadda Haq, a mighty fine song in isolation, but it sadly doesn’t spring from narrative’s demand. Sometimes this juvenile idealism in directors irks me. The same problem Main Khuda from Paanch grappled with. Again, a mighty fine song, but it’s soul was borne out of somewhere else, not from the movie.

Ali is confused what he wants to concentrate on, the unrequited love or the ironic isolation of a celebrity. The two things don’t compliment here, but stand out sore like two separate strands. Kapoor’s performance is top notch and it is not difficult to see how he could be a potential powerhouse, that is, if he doesn’t sell his soul to the whims of his audience.

Nothing can be more sad when you as an audience are indifferent to a genuine voice, whose only flaw is trying too hard. To Ali’s credit, he wraps the movie well, and makes sure the songs shoulder the narrative effectively throughout the movie. He salvages some much needed pride here. But at the end it is a what could have been movie.

What is a bigger crime? To not create an opportunity? Or to create an opportunity only to mercilessly shred it?

Analysis of Imran Khan’s Amplifier Song

There are myriad artists who do not get enough credit for their work. Why? Because, we consumers are so depressingly vaccuos that we cannot do full justice to an artist’s most inspired piece. Imran Khan is one such artist. Amplifier is one such song. This song is so profound that it can force you to cogitate over things that you generally brush off flippantly. I feel squeamish when people do not fully appreciate this song, because it has so much subtext that it can make Tolstoy’s tome look flimsy in comparison. In the last 10 years, I cannot think of an Indi pop song that is more original, daring and confident in execution than Imran Khan’s Amplifier. The Amplifier song is a paean to our times, a song so dystopic, prophetic that it can make you really ponder what our world has come to. I cannot claim to fully comprehend this stunning piece of art, but I can only try. Let’s look at some of the disparate concept this song references:

1. Individualism:

Kaaliyan baariyan we gaddiyaan nu mein lawaan
speed mein 220 di chalaan, POLICE de samne mein nai rukhda
i am a knight rider

The above paragraph on surface might look straight out of one of those myriad loud and shallow party songs. But, read in between the lines and you will be able to gauge its real worth. Imran Khan doesn’t believe in spoon feeding the audience. What David Lynch is to cinema, Imran Khan is to Indi pop. The first paragraph is all about shedding your inhibition, and being cognizant of your true self. speed mein 220 di chalaan, POLICE de samne mein nai rukhda – This line questions society’s perception of speed. What is fast to you, may be painfully slow to some. Why do we frown over people who zip their cars? According to Imran, speed could also be a form of expression, it is a symbol of his independence. And why should he stop in front of the Police? The society has been curbing individual’s freedom for long. It has made conformists out of everyone. But, not this time. One man would rise above it all –  i am a knight rider. Such idealism in writing has been seen after a long, long time. What a subtle nod to Sahir Ludhianvi.

2. Dichtomy between the Real world and the Ideal World:

breakaan maar maar tardi mein chiekh kad da
sari loki takde we ki hogeya, lagda we injh mera dil rukda
unu mein puchda

These lines comment on the anguish of an idealist individual. This society has clearly failed itself in front of him. There is so much dichotomy between the world as it should be and the world as it is, that he cries with despair and disbelief, symbolized by screeching of his tires – breakaan maar maar tardi mein chiekh kad da. Do you also notice the subtle wordplay here? Being tired of this world and car’s tire? And when he cries in disbelief, what does the world do? Stare at him cluelessly.

3. Using concepts of Integrated Circuits to express selfless love:

ni gaddi sadi bedhja ni jattiye,
ni door tenu lehja, we arriye
ni woofer tu meri,meri
mein tera amplifier, fier

You may wonder on the usage of the word Amplifier here. Let’s go back to the basics. What  does an Amplifier do? [He is referring to the electronic Amplifier used in electrical circuits].  It increases the magnitude of a signal. Main tera Amplifier, fier.. is an ode to selfless love. According to Imran, if the girl loves him x times, he would love the girl (A*love_showered_by_the_girl) times, where A is the Amplification factor. [For true lovers, A >1]. It is a comment on disseminating selfless love.  Also, Imran’s definition of love is not shallow but rather profound. He substantiates it by symbolizing the girl as his voice of consciousness, thus transcending mere physical attraction — woofer tu meri . Imran’s girl is his voice, his truth, representation of all things in this world that needs to be heard loud and strong and hence she is his woofer.

4.  Global Warming:

Kendi, garmi we lagdi weh seene ni
pijh gai weh kurti paseene di
challi digrees di tooph pendi
on kar AC

This paragraph presents a different facet of the singer all together. I have no doubt that he doubles up as a lover/philosopher in the night and as an environmentalist in the day.  pijh gai weh kurti paseene di is an astute and succinct comment on the Global Warming. I do not even remember when was the last time a song’s lyrics addressed environmental concerns bang in the middle of nowhere. He also sardonically remarks on how switching on the Air Conditioner would actually worsen the situation of Global warming. The line ‘On Karo AC’ is satirized brilliantly by Imran. He is not coaxing his better half to switch on the AC, but lamenting what this world has come to where no one gives two hoots to environmental problems.  Imran is expressing concern on the fact that The Earth’s temperature has increased by about 1 degree Fahrenheit in the last century due to our negligence and ignorance. We can’t keep switching on AC and keep releasing greenhouse gases to the environment . Instead of spelling out what is right and what is wrong, Imran challenges us to think beyond the obvious.

That is the brilliance of Imran Khan, his songs are not instructional or ponderous, but if you scratch the surface you would find that his songs are both a reminder and warning of what this world has become, what this world can become.

Katrina Kaif sued for looking too attractive in the Sheila ki Jawani Song

New Delhi. Katrina Kaif’s new item song ‘Sheila ki Jawani’ has catapulted her on popularity charts and has set the temperature soaring. But, Chotu Singh, a social activist, did not look too impressed as he has sued Katrina Kaif for being too attractive.

“Yes, it is true that I have filed a case against Katrina Kaif,” said Chotu heaving heavily after the word Katrina. ” She has raised unnecessary expectations in men with respect to the opposite sex. After watching her undulating in Sheila ki Jawani, every girl on the street is a massive disappointment. Not that I expect them to start doing belly dancing, but I no longer feel attracted to any of them. It’s been a week since I have lost interest in girls. Yesterday, it suddenly struck to me that this might be possible because I might have turned homosexual and I started getting depressed by this thought. She has caused a great damage to me psychologically and I am sure to many more males. So in public interest, I have decided to sue her.”

Speculations have also been rife that Chotu might have done this to gain attention. “Yes, he is a bit frustrated with his life all around. His Facebook friend request to girls have been repeatedly rejected, he has tried all attempts to appear on TV, but even that has failed. Last heard, he rented a girlfriend for a day so that he could appear on Emotional Atyachaar, but it looks as if even that did not materialize,” said his closed confidant requesting anonymity. “Ideally Chotu would have waited for the movie to release (before suing Katrina), but he recently lost out on the Yana Gupta controversy, and didn’t want any delay here.”

The mood in Chotu’s locality, Laxmi Nagar was quite ebullient as they were proud of their friend’s histronics. “Chotu has been an idol for all of us. He has done something which was long due,” said Suresh, Chotu’s neighbor visibly emotional. “Katrina is the cause of our frustration.  We never see girls like her in our locality.  Even going to Paharganj doesn’t help. Our lives have become very frustrating trying to find a Katrina like girl, and I am glad Chotu addressed this problem. Infact, Chotu takes his social activism very, very seriously. I can just issue a word of warning to the rich and famous. He was planning to sue Madhuri Dixi for turning 40, 3 years ago, but he did not. But, of late he has been very unforgiving — you never know he might just sue Sachin if he fails to score his 50th Test century against South Africa, or Amitabh Bachann for blogging everyday  ”

How to get the girl of your dreams if you don’t have the guts to talk to her in school

Dedicated to all the budding nerds of the world…

Are you in high school/college and like a girl? Is she not aware of your existence and rather showers her attention to a guy who makes your Pomeranian look like Shahid Kappor in comparison? (Not that Shahid Kapoor is an epitome of hunk, but I hope you got the point). All hot girls in high school have compromised brains. It’s natural. We nerds, would do things our way. Instead of being depressed and masturbating on cosmopolitan covers, here is what you can do:

1. If you can’t talk to her, or to be less polite don’t have the balls for it – then don’t talk to her. Street smartness and extrovert are over rated qualities. Don’t fret too much over them.

2. Study hard. Extremely. Work your ass off. While your other competitors may be busy combing their tresses and making their armpits redolent in order to impress your honey bunny (yes, you can call her honey bunny. It doesn’t sound gay. Plus, you are nerd, so everything for you is forgiven), you should be busy beating the shit out of R.S.Agarwal, Lakhmir Singh-Manjeet Kaur and the likes. Why? You will get to know. We are looking at the bigger picture here.

3. In the mean time, keep a tab on all her favorite things. Her favorite movie, her favorite perfume, favorite chocolate – in short, favorite all things girly and mawkish.

4. After you have grown up a little, keep beating the shit out of various textbooks, as a faithful nerd I can only guess( and advice) that you would have graduated from beating the shit out of R.S.Agarwal to HC Verma, and from Lakhmir Singh-Manjeet Kaur to Morrison Boyd. And yes, don’t solve Irodov. It sucks ass and is fucking overrated.

5. In the mean time, you would see the girl of your dreams getting exchanged from one boyfriend to other as if she was some ‘on sale’ item on Craigslist. But, don’t worry, haven’t you read “Good things happen to those who wait?” I am pretty sure a total lazy jackass came up with that, but it doesn’t matter.

6. Now, you would have been all grown up, and would be seeing all the worthless dicks collectively revolving around your honey bunny as if they are a part of some fucking solar system. Don’t get intimidated by their spiked hair, cool bikes, and the gold chain. One day you will have all that. For now, back to Solomon, time to make Organic Chemistry your bitch.

7. Time to get yourself a good college. Give all the entrance exams – IIT, BITS. Give even SAT.( Yes, your dad is rich. Don’t worry. He just doesn’t want you to know this fact).

8. Keep a tab on your batch mates and your lady-love. Given that they wasted their entire childhood sending and receiving Valentine Day cards, and boys – roaming day in, day out on bikes and girls trying to look desirable, they did not do anything worthwhile all their childhood. And right now, they are contemplating which college to go by giving donation money.

9. Once in college, do not lose sight of your ultimate goal and run out of patience. Keep acing all those silly subjects. Try to open up a bit more. Get some friends. Better if they are girls ( no, they are human too. Yes, they will not charge you for molestation, if you hug them)

10. Enjoy college life. Yes, it’s not a terrible thing. No, you can still get a 4.0 or 10.0 while having a time of your life (depending on which part of hemisphere you are). Confide in your friends.

11. 3rd year of college. Get yourself for a kick-ass job, while your other competitors and your lady-love would be bullshitting themselves by preparing for CAT, you have the real deal. Sexy college degree. Sexy job. An enviable future.

12. I am assuming  you are in touch with her. if not, then now you should hit the proverbial iron when it’s hot. Add her on Facebook.

13. Begin interacting with her. Play cool. Don’t ask her number the first time you have a lengthy chat. Now, you would be pleasantly surprised when she would wonder why you never talked in school. Woo her. But, be subtle about it.

14. Try to organize a school re-union. Now is the time for her to see you as a highly polished and refined guy in front of other worthless guys who when growing up turned out to be total callow, uncouth dicks.

15. Don’t worry, even if she has a college boyfriend. It is the end of the fourth year and long distance relationship is usually a whore. Don’t stop wooing her. Stand by her side at all times.

16. Now, most of them have taken a dive into the professional world. Yes, some of them like to call working in those IT firms that hire students in buckets – a profession. Don’t worry. You are the real deal.

17. Ask her out for a dinner ( if she is not the same town, then surprise her by going to her place. The moot point is, by this point you should have made sure that there is no boyfriend in her life, by referring to point 15).

18. Say everything you want to. I don’t have to instruct you here. But, just make it all about her. There is no you. There are three things when it comes to sweeping a girl of her feet:

– Even if they disagree, all girls love mush.

– They like hearing shit about themselves.

– Remember the first two points.

19. If, you have religiously followed from #1 to #18, she will say yes. No doubt about it. And when you hug her, replay all those moments when you felt like a loser in school. This is your time. You have arrived – without the bike, sans the exhibition and the swagger. But, you have arrived. Cherish the moment.

Wasn’t it worth the wait?

Inspired by females, men try to promote testicular cancer on Facebook but fail miserably

New Delhi. Inspired by females promoting breast cancer awareness on Facebook, Karan, and his couple of male friends started a campaign to promote testicular cancer on Facebook, but felt mortified when their attempts were thwarted amidst some confusion. After being baffled by the esoteric status updates his female friends had put up on Facebook, earlier this year in January and recently yesterday, Karan (who spearheaded this campaign) thought this model could be implemented to promote testicular cancer awareness as well.

Karan sent a personal message to all his male friends on Facebook, urging them to do something about the testicular cancer awareness. “We wanted to spread awareness about the testicular cancer through Facebook. It is not even half as famous as the breast cancer. I mean, even our body has problems,” said a miffed Karan.

“We had this huge discussion, and we were all opposed to putting our color of underwear as a status because first of all it looked as if we were filching their (women’s) idea and secondly, it might also lead to speculation that men had started wearing bras and were promoting man boob cancer awareness. So finally, we decided on putting the number of years we knew about the testicular cancer as a Facebook status .The idea behind it was to let people know more about the testicular cancer because if detected in its early stages it can be cured,” said Karan’s friend, Manish, about the intense brainstorming session on ways to promote testicular cancer on Facebook.

Soon many male’s status updates on Facebook were just a number like ‘5’, ‘6’.etc, and the campaign was on the verge of being an internet viral but then somebody spread the rumor that these numbers were an indication of the penis size. Moreover, many people who knew very less about the testicular cancer had their Facebook status as ‘1’, ‘2’ which led to severe public humiliation.

We contacted a guy who did not know anything about the testicular cancer and had “Nothing…lolz” as his status update. “I had genuinely put in my honest feelings that I did not know anything about the testicular cancer and this whole campaign looked very funny to me hence the nature of my comment. But, never did I realize it would come back to me in such a vicious fashion,” he said, requesting for anonymity. He was further enraged when his status update was liked by 15 of his female friends and by his ex-girlfriend’s comment, “He is right. Ask me.”

Many males also blame the online gender discrimination for the testicular cancer awareness program being thwarted. “I mean it’s everywhere. I have been witnessing this discrimination first hand for the last 8 years. When I was a teenager, nobody wanted to chat with me in Yahoo Chat Room too. Things have not really improved since,” said Suresh, who followed the whole incident very closely.

“The sad truth is testicular cancer has not been very well promoted unlike the breast cancer. This is one hurdle we need to surmount, if we want our problems to be heard. Moreover, we don’t even have adequate representation for testicular cancer. Sometimes, I wonder if only one Bollywood actor had testicular cancer, things would have been different today,” ruminated Ashok Kumar, a leading surgeon at Apollo Hospital.

Sachin’s one kidney now not in his own body but in Penguin’s book

Mumbai. In a bizarre chain of events, Penguin Books has arguably sealed the most coveted deal in the Indian sporting history. After Kraken Media’s claims of Sachin’s blood being used for some select copies of the book Tendulkar Opus, Penguin Books has gone one step ahead and has got the permission to use Sachin’s kidney for their next book on the little master.

“We are delighted to receive little master’s consent to use his kidneys. This book would be the most candid account of Sachin’s life and it is only fitting that his kidney be used with the paper pulp,” said a visibly beaming Vikram Singh, CEO of Penguin Books India. Vikram Singh also said that the book would be tentatively titled ‘Sachin: Inside out’ and will cover in detail all aspects of Sachin’s life, including two chapters on him before his birth.

“After all Sachin is like a God to the Indian fans. And the kind of God for which no trains would be burnt, so we thought of giving something more personal to our readers. We met a team of doctors and asked them what is one of the most important things in our body. They all unanimously agreed on kidney. And that is why we are removing it from his body.” Vikram added, “And such is the greatness of the man, that he agreed without much hesitation. He is a real God – both on and off the field.”

“The kidney removal operation will be performed at the Breach Candy Hospital. ESPN has also expressed interest in broadcasting the operation live with Arun Lal doing the commentary, but nothing has been materialized on that front, so I can’t confirm anything right now,” said Vikram, throwing more light on the kidney removal operation.

VIkram further explained that the book would be singular in the sense that it would be an anthology of sorts. “We have also managed to convince Sachin’s bai(maid) to contribute two chapters in the book as it was his most formative years.”

We also talked to Sachin’s bai, Rakhi, who confirmed this. “Sachin baba was a very naughty child. He never used to drink milk and I had to regularly run after him. I think he developed his skill of running between the wickets from there.”

“And not only this, Our readers can look forward to one more thing. The books having Sachin’s kidneys will print 15 copies. But, out of those fifteen, five books will have Kambli’s right hand too,” said Lalit Dalmiya, the Vice President of Penguin Books India.
“I must say, I am very much impressed by their creativity. Since, I am no longer single and play cricket, I pretty much don’t use my right hand, so I thought why not contribute it to this wonderful cause,” said Vinod Kambli who was cognizant of the fact that the proceeds from the book’s sale would go National Kidney Foundation.

Orkut evam Facebook jagat ke chamkile Sitaare

Internet has blessed us with lots of things. Endless free porn for starters. What joy can equal that awesome streaming of the video you wanted to see for long? Also, as the cliché goes, it has made world a smaller place, given ample opportunities for assimilating knowledge, yada, yada(not that a good porn is not knowledge!). But the trade-off is, it has also created a new brand of monsters.

In fact, before going on to the monsters, let’s first go on to things whose progeny these monsters are. Social Networking sites. They have made world a smaller place. Barring the official boundary, e-mail is just so passe. It is a universe where you can like, unlike, poke, share, scratch(ok, made the last one up, but you never know!). But, really lets leave everything aside and talk about the monsters that these sites have created. They can be loosely clubbed into the following categories:

(Note: If any of the following is remotely close to you, stop thinking that I am bitching. You should rather consider what a sore loser you have been all your life. And how I had to tolerate you, when you were basking in those moment of your non-existent ‘coolness’. Feel bad for me.)

Category 1: English language mujhe dahej me mili hai: There is no absolutely no dearth of these kinds. You will find them everywhere giving it to grammar in its ass on Orkut scrapbooks, their friend’s walls, the ‘descriptive’ about me section on their profile page. What is most depressing and comical about them is that they think using the abbreviated forms of already very small words is ‘cool’. Yes, my dear reader, cool is the operative word here. It would be used with a lot of generosity. Everything done in this world is for being cool. There is an unwritten cool-book that these, um, for the lack of a better and a more civil word, may I humbly suggest – losers? share. So, the way loser 1 would write is not drastically from how a loser 2 would write. I will share some of their coolness quotient. Following is how they would like to substitute some of the words:

My – Mah/ma/moi. [ Barring, the word ma, the rest short forms themselves contain an extra word. My capricious mind often wonders, thinks and questions, whose fucking hole their mind was in when they were being taught english in Kindergarten(assuming they did attend one!)? ]

That/Thats – dazz

Laptop – lappy

Pen Drive – Pan D/ Pan Dee(excitement does it you baby? aint it?)

Life – Lyf

Times – tyms

Great – gr8

Want to – wanna

Friends – frenzzzzz

We – V
Sarcastically – circastically

I suggest be creative and make some of them on your own. The aforementioned is just a casual peek into their

rule book. It goes much deep, I can assure you this.

Category 2: Meri mummy kehti hai Main Reetik Rosan hun : There is nothing wrong with them. Just for a little thing that they look, (again, my dear reader, I would implore you to sink into my shoes and understand my predicament where civil and politically correct words elude me again, so I have to opt for its cruder cousin) – fucked up? Judging someone by their looks is so very stupid, I will be the first one to concede that. And it is not their looks or rather the lack of it I am even remotely concerned with it. What concerns me is what they think of themselves. And boy oh boy! That is no small thing to write, talk about and even imagine. These god-send narcissist who can only make

love with a mirror in front of them, have their albums splashed in not only colorful(read bizarre) and interesting set ups(read stupid and fucked up) that it is hard to ignore them. They will pose in the most weird and obscene manner. Their head making 15 degrees with the vertical, sometimes 30, showing ample male cleavage, desperately trying to hog onto any kind of monument in background, making sure that even when their fucked up handsome face is not visible, their oh so branded t-shirt is captured in full glory(Yes, I went to Hollister that day biatch!). Their album is a depressing celebration of their self obsessiveness.

Category 3: Main Ekta Kapoor ki sauteli behen hun: You don’t see such kinds on Facebook that much, but, Orkut unleashed a beast on us by putting a question in the personal section which read: What is your idea of a perfect date, or something diabetic. What is worse that some people take it really seriously and answer something like:

I like my first date to be beside the Parwati beach, a candle light dinner with 4.75  candles lit up with adivasis singing and dancing to the tunes of Jhingalala Hoo. I mean seriously, do then even believe such questions warrant a serious reply? God!

Category 4: Forward, forward: Do not open this mail. If you do, your ass will be kissed by the person you love (or even if you don’t. We are in the Ass kissing business, and cousin business is a boomin’) on the friday of 13th. You should also understand that your ass will be  kissed only if you forward it to 21 people, or 42 or 63. Dont try being a smartass by deleting this message. Because, if you have reached this far, you are in all probability not a smart  ass and you desperately want your ass to be kissed. So, please forward it to 21 people, otherwise I will keep hounding your inboxes/scraps with message like this, because I am not going to sit tight until I get my ass kissed. And yes, if you forward it to 42 people your ass will be smooched. Day? Oh, forget about it. The same. Friday the 13th.

Category 5: Oh! I am so cool and philosophical. If you are on Orkut and see the following kind of people on our friend’s list, be at least  a mile away from them. These are the kinds who don’t understand the difference between upper case and lower case and are very philosophical just for the heck of it. Just to show everyone how pseudo they are.They are bhary dangerous. Their display name is usually something on the lines of following:

fUcKeD uP n@Me <insert philosophical mumbo jumbo>

Philosophical mumbo jumbo would usually include words like : Destiny, success, love, work, God, pain, life. Combine any of these with bad grammar and you can concoct something that is usually written on their profile. I can try something:

mOhAn Sh@rm@ / \ – LifE tReaTeD mE uNfAiRLy.

And sir, these are the same guys whose idea of english literature is *gulps* Chetan Bhagat’s novel. So there.

Category 6: Laughing is phunny. I laugh and therefore I live( or leave?) – God(or whoever that dude was) made ‘l’ and ‘o’. And these guys put an ‘o’ in two l’s and made lol. They will use lol for everything. DID you thought lol meant laughing out loud? That is so downright stupid. lol.  Today I made mutter punner, lol. I flunked in Chemistry today, lol. I got 95 in Chemistry, lol. I love chemistry, lol. I hate chemistry, lol. Wow! you are dumb, lol. Wow! you are intelligent, lol. Wow we are both dumb and intelligent at the same time, lol. What? Your dad died? Feeling bad for you mate, lol.

Category 7: Diabetic Lovers – They are chweet. No, Cho Chweet. No, Choooo Chweet – Seriously were these people born in a chocolate factory? Why the fuck they are so sweet (read fucked up)? Their profile looks like a zoo with love sign running amuck. And their vocabulary is armored with weapons like: Awww. Chweet. Jaanu. Honey. Love.  Loooooove. Loooooooooveeeeeee. Miss. Kiss. Baby. Babbyyyy. Darling.

Category 8: There is a GPS stuck in my arse – I mean like, what the fuck dude! Do I care whether you are in Delhi, Mumbai, NYC, Jhumritalaiya, or you were in your room and have moved to shit but that has given you an excuse to update your status:

AkHiL KumAr @newly renovated bathroom /LoVinG mAh Nu fLuSH\

I would love to hear your experience with people of these kind.

Anna! Ek plate Chilly Chicken.

Hello! Welcome to my page. I know it’s been long. You know what I am going to say. Have your seat, make yourself comfortable and all that jazz. Sip a lemonade while the coffee gets ready. But, what I would like to add is, you might want to add or remove something from that rather heavy bag-pack of yours. If you will go straight and take a right, you would find a trash can. Please trash anything you have that gives you the power to judge between what is right and what is wrong. Yea, keep trashing it. Sir, no cheating. I know you have some in that upper compartment of the bag too. Yes, Sir. Trash them. To the last shred. Thank you. Now when you have absolved yourself from all the powers of  judging, welcome again!

Now, if you have some insecurity that you tuck in that closet of yours, then may I humbly suggest you bring them here. Most of the times, insecurities give us a reason to live. I won’t scrutinize them here. Instead, will celebrate it. As I will do mine in days to come.

And yes, if you are feeling hungry. There is a half plate chilly chicken in the microwave. Help yourself.